“I Feel Like I’m Doing All The Heavy Lifting In This Friendship”
Dear Eve 6 Guy,
I have been best friends with K. for 17 years. We are long-distance friends — she’s in Georgia, I’m on Long Island. She’s been here to visit several times, but our friendship is mostly over email, text, and phone. We used to talk every single day, but as our lives got busier and the years went on, it was a few times a week, then once a week.
Our friendship is a deep one. She knows things about me no one else knows. For well over a decade, we’ve shared details of our lives and our kids’ lives. We’ve been through breakups together. We’ve talked each other down from our respective ledges.
We’ve had times where we drifted apart but we always came back to each other, both of us apologizing for not prioritizing our friendship better. Well, K. just went through a bad breakup (they were engaged and living together), and she has some health problems. I know she likes space when she’s extremely stressed out, so I give her that.
Last time we talked, she told me she was having a rough time and she was sorry she wasn’t being a very good friend. I told her that I would always be there for her when she was emotionally ready to talk. I didn’t say anything about my own recent health scare or my fragile emotional state because I didn’t want to burden her with my problems when she clearly has her own.
Two weeks went by and I didn’t hear from her, so I sent a brief text asking if everything was okay. She said she was doing okay and asked me to email her an update on my health issues and my kids. So I did. That was two and half weeks ago. I have not heard a thing from her since then.
This is not the first time I feel like I’m doing all the heavy lifting in this friendship. I’ve been upset about this before. But this is the first time where it feels like she’s actively ignoring me, and I really think our relationship has become a burden to her, just another thing on her very full to-do list to check off when she can.
I don’t want to be that. I’d rather end the friendship for good than be cast aside every couple of weeks by her. But how do I approach her? Do I let her know how I’m feeling and add to her feelings of guilt about us, or do I just let the friendship stagnate?
I am feeling way too old for all this. I thought once you got older friendships were easier. Guess not. Appreciate any advice you can give me.
—Feel Like I’m Being Ghosted