Dear Scott,
I just read your response to the daughter whose father was using money to control her mum – and I wanted to say thank you. You called it what it was: coercive control. And you didn’t sugar-coat it. I’ve been there. My second husband never hit me, but he isolated me, controlled our money, and crushed my confidence. It only lasted 20 months, but the damage was deep. Thanks to my son (and your book), I got out and I’m slowly rebuilding. Sue-Ellen may not see it yet. She might even defend him. But you may have planted the first seed. That matters. And you’re right, couples therapy rarely works with abusers. They manipulate the room too. Thanks for saying what needed to be said.
Linda
Hi Linda,
This question struck a nerve with readers, and no wonder. Coercive control is everywhere, especially in older couples where the pattern has been playing out behind closed doors for decades.
It was a tricky one, because I had to speak to the daughter, not the mum directly. But you’re right, sometimes the first act of rebellion is simply naming the behaviour out loud. That’s how change begins.
After everything you’ve been through, you now see that coercive control isn’t about being protective or frugal. It’s about fear, power, and keeping someone small. You found your freedom, with the help of your son. Now Sue-Ellen has the chance to help her mum do the same.
Scott