Hi Scott,
I’m writing in desperation about my elderly father. He’s always been generous, helping family and friends out of debt, which usually ends in broken promises and damaged relationships. A younger “friend” entered his life just before he lost his partner. My father has given this person significant money and won’t promise it’s the end. He’s not cognitively impaired but is vulnerable and lonely. I’m 99% sure he’s being taken advantage of. I’m worried about future care costs if his health deteriorates, but he thinks I only care about my inheritance – which is gutting. This behavior isn’t technically illegal, but I can’t watch him be swindled when he may need this money later. How do I protect him without ruining our relationship? Do we have any options when elderly parents are being financially exploited by “friends”?
Danielle
Hey Danielle,
This must eat you up inside. It looks a lot like financial elder abuse.
So you should tell him that, right?
Wrong.
Let’s take a shuffle in his shoes.
He thinks he’s being generous, independent, and in control. And he probably thinks you see him as old and vulnerable… and that you’re only sticking your nose into his business because you’re worried about your inheritance.
Here’s the brutal truth: if your dad is mentally competent, he has the right to spend his money however he wants, even if it breaks your heart.
So here’s what I’d say to him:
“Dad, you’ve always been so generous with people – it’s something I really admire about you. However, I worry that if you give away too much, you might not be able to afford help later on. And I know how important it is to you to never burden anyone.”
Depending on how that lands, you could suggest he sits down with a financial advisor or solicitor to review his affairs and ensure he’s set up to go the distance. That way, he’s hearing it from an independent professional, not just his daughter.
The key is to respect him, and let him know he’s in charge.
Because he is!
Scott