She wrote about her first stint in rehab, recalling she didn’t have any of the traditional care like group therapy or a 12-Step program. “I left clean and sober,” she said. “But there seemed to be no solution to my postpartum depression. I also went home in denial. The idea that a little liquid could take me down or rule my life seemed impossible for a tough girl like me.”
She tried to return to her series, Nashville, but quickly fell back into her old patterns that even the crew noticed. “Every day after that was a juggling act. I gave up the meds, and I went to work bloated, exhausted, and jittery. Every day I ran home, desperate for a drink. I’d switched to vodka, thinking no one could smell it on my breath, but I was fooling myself. Vodka smells like vodka. I’m sure everyone knew what was going on, but no one said anything.”
She shared that even her character started to face the same struggles she had in real life. “It became more apparent around season four of Nashville that my personal problems seemed to be mirroring the script,” she wrote. “Juliette Barnes had postpartum depression, an alcohol and pill problem, and a divorce on the horizon. She was erratic, an absentee mother, and fought with everyone — including her fans. Every time I read the day’s script, it was like I was looking in a fun-house mirror, seeing a distorted reflection of myself. I can’t tell you how lost this made me feel. … I dove headfirst into my own hell.”