Once, when my husband, Tom, and I were battling about something, I got so worked up that I blurted, like an angry toddler: “You bad man!”
Conflict is “inevitable and normal in intimate relationships,” said Andrew Christensen, a distinguished research professor at the U.C.L.A. department of psychology. But the way that couples manage it is a key to a healthy bond, he added.
There’s a productive way to deal with conflict — attacking the problem rather than each other, for example — and an unhelpful way that fails to resolve the fight or makes it worse.
Name-calling, as I did, falls under the second category. (Fortunately, Tom laughed, which made me — grudgingly — laugh, too.)
Other unproductive habits? Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — often referred to as the “four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.”
But there are additional red flags that can arise when partners fight. I asked experts to share some, along with advice for what to do instead.
Declaring a winner and a loser
James Cordova, a professor of psychology at Clark University and the author of “The Mindful Path to Intimacy,” said his clients often see fights as a zero-sum game, with one clear victor and one loser. But that approach “is absolutely poisonous to intimacy,” he said, because both parties end up feeling unsatisfied.
Rather than striving to win, Dr. Cordova said, try to think of the conflict as a puzzle you’re doing together. The goal isn’t to finish first or to win.
James A. Coan, a professor of psychology and a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, recommends taking what negotiators call a “mutual gains approach,” where you focus on finding common interests and brainstorm solutions that benefit you both. “Instead of dividing the pie, you build a larger pie,” he said.
Before a fight can escalate, reframe your “win at all cost” mind-set, Dr. Coan said, by considering: Do I want to be right, or do I want us to be happy? Start by asking your partner about their position with genuine curiosity, he said. “That orients you toward understanding rather than winning,” Dr. Coan said.
Quoting your therapist
If you’ve ever uttered phrases during a fight like, “My therapist thinks you’re a narcissist” or “My therapist told me I should stand up to you,” you’re doing what Dr. Coan calls “authority citing.” That’s undermining your partner by referring to others’ opinions, “so that they have no recourse because they’re not responding to you, they’re responding to the authority,” he explained.
And weaponizing what your therapist said during a squabble, he added, is a “terrible strategy for emotional intimacy.”
If you feel the urge to bring up your therapist’s views, focus on your own feelings instead, said Tracy Dalgleish, a psychologist in Ottawa who works with couples.
Dr. Dalgleish said to ask yourself: What makes me want to bolster my argument? Why do I feel I have to push my point harder? What do I really need right now?
Then share what it is that you need, she said, and leave your therapist’s comments out of it.
‘Sméagol-ing’
Dr. Cordova has noticed a red flag that he has termed “Sméagol-ing,” based on a character in the film “The Lord of the Rings” who changes “from aggressive Gollum into sniveling Sméagol.”
During a conflict, one person will air a grievance, Dr. Cordova said, “and the other person will respond with: ‘I know, I’m the worst. I’m a terrible partner. I don’t even know why you’re with me.’”
Rather than dealing with the problem, Dr. Cordova said, “they just fold, like Sméagol.” And it’s a tactic that distracts from and dismisses the other person’s concern, he said. “What you’re fishing for is ‘rescue me,’” he added.
However, this behavior isn’t entirely passive, Dr. Christensen added. “It’s like, ‘On the surface, I’m agreeing with you, but I’m exaggerating what you are saying to the point that it becomes an attack in and of itself,’” he said.
If your partner is Sméagol-ing, Dr. Cordova recommended that you respond with a blend of compassion and honesty. Start by affirming your partner’s experience (“I know it’s hard to receive feedback — it’s hard for me, too”) and reassuring your partner that you care. And then you can reiterate that you need your partner to understand what you’re saying and why it matters, he said.
If you’re Smeagol-ing, practice resisting the urge to fold, take the focus off yourself and address your partner’s concern directly, Dr. Cordova said.
As Dr. Cordova and I were chatting about conflict strategies, he admitted that sometimes, when he and his partner are having a tiff, he’ll cite scientific research.
“So we’ll be in the thick of it,” he told me, “and I’ll say, ‘Well, you know, Schwartz, et al did a study on this.’”
I confessed to him that I’ve done the same version of “authority citing.” Then we agreed that we probably shouldn’t do this anymore.
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