Scott,
My brother-in-law has it sorted – he has a mail-order bride, kids, and he’s living rent-free with my mother-in-law. Every Christmas and birthday, they expect us to buy them top-tier Apple gear (we once got their 10-year-old a $2,000 iPad Pro). When we stopped funding their wishlist, he just blew his own money – then came to us for car repairs and other essentials. I gave him a copy of your book, thinking it would help. He promptly asked for $10,000 to ‘invest’ in the stockmarket, which he has now lost. Recently I offered to pay him to do some odd jobs for me on the weekend he refused. Sadly, ceasing contact with said brother-in-law is not an option due to cultural issues which promote familial harmony. Do you have any suggestions?
Emma
Hi Emma,
Oh yes, I have suggestions.
Look, parasites thrive on guilt and obligation – which of course is code for ‘family harmony’. He doesn’t want your help – he wants a handout.
My view?
You’ve got to make peace with the fact that saying ‘no’ doesn’t make you a bad person – it just makes you someone who refuses to be financially manipulated. In other words, it’s time to bust out the bum chocolate (or combantrin, that’s what my kids call it anyway).
So the next time he comes asking for money, tell him:
“We’re always here to support family, but real support means helping each other stand on our own two feet. We’re happy to offer opportunities, but not cash.”
Will that work?
Yes, if you stick to your guns.
But beware: once he realises you’re no longer the easiest meal, he’ll move on to someone else in your family (good for you, bad for them). Because that’s the thing about parasites: they don’t starve – they just find another host.
Scott.
