Scott,
I’m approaching my 10-year wedding anniversary and I regret the day I combined our bank accounts. Two months after our honeymoon I was pregnant, we’d bought a car on $20k finance and put a deposit on an off-the-plan home. Since then my ability to earn and spend has been stunted by raising kids and a husband who became obsessed with controlling all spending, with no regard for my needs.
I’m back to full-time work now, earning just under $100k. He earns $200–250k. We have a mortgage of $620k. Spending is lean. Yet I’m still being controlled when it comes to my own money. I’ve been honest with him about wanting to separate our finances. He needs help with his scarcity mentality and we need a third party before this ends in divorce. I feel trapped.
Sarah
Sarah,
Let me give you the key that will unlock the trap:
Open your own bank account today. Deposit your pay into it. You don’t need his permission.
You’re a 40-year-old woman earning $100,000 a year. You don’t need permission to spend your own money.
What you’re describing has a name: coercive control. It’s not a budgeting problem. It’s not a scarcity mentality problem. It’s a power problem. Yes, you need a marriage counsellor. But I want you to open that account before you even book the appointment.
Because here’s what I know after 22 years of reading letters like yours: women who take back control of their own money stop asking, and start deciding. They stand differently. They speak differently. And sometimes (not always, but sometimes) that shift changes everything around them too.
Maybe he comes with you. Maybe the counsellor helps him understand what he’s been doing. Maybe the marriage has a future. But none of that starts until you stop asking for permission.
If you need someone to talk to before you’re ready for counselling, call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 722). They understand financial abuse better than most.
You already know what to do, Sarah.
You just haven’t given yourself permission yet.
