Have you ever frustratingly mumbled to your partner that it “must be nice to have a partner who walks the dog” in hopes of them walking the dog more often? Or have you ever sighed that you’ll “just do the errands alone” even though you don’t want to? Turns out, you may be dry begging, a tool that people use in relationships of all sorts to get their needs met.
“Dry begging is when someone indirectly asks for something. There’s a need there, but they’re not stating it clearly,” said Aerial Cetnar, a therapist and owner of Boulder Therapy and Wellness in Colorado.
Instead of making a straightforward request or voicing a direct want, someone who is dry begging hints at a need or makes a vague complaint, Cetnar added.
So, instead of stating, “I wish we spent more time together,” someone who is dry begging may say, “Oh, I guess I’ll just stay home with the cat” — they’re hinting at their displeasure instead of addressing it.
“I’ll say it can come from a place of insecurity, fear or manipulation,” said Tori-Lyn Mills, a licensed clinical professional counselor with Thriveworks in Columbia, MD. But it can also be something that folks grew up with and learned as a way to get their needs met, Mills added.
It’s also not an official psychological term that you’ll find in mental health literature, said Cetnar — “regardless, it’s very much a thing.”
While it can feel easier than directly asking for what you want, dry begging really isn’t meant for the long haul. Here’s why.
Dry begging weaponizes emotion.
According to Mills, dry begging can weaponize emotion and empathy while also shifting responsibility in a situation. It can “even weaponize a person’s role as a partner, specifically in romantic relationships,” she said.
For example, in a romantic relationship, if one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t, instead of flat-out saying how they feel, someone who is dry begging may say something like “well, most people would be happy that their partner wants to have sex with them all the time [and] is attracted to them all the time,” Mills said.
This can put the other partner in a position where they feel guilty about not wanting to have sex in the moment. It can even put responsibility on them and make them think, “Oh, I should be happy about this,” Mills noted.
“It’s kind of like — I should be giving into this. That’s how dry begging can work,” she said.
If this sounds manipulative, it’s because it often is.
If it becomes a pattern, that’s a red flag for manipulation, Cetnar said. More, if the partner ends up doing things they don’t want to do without ever being clearly asked, it’s another red flag, she said.
“It’s not always manipulative — it certainly can be — but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. First, look at what’s the intention and is it a pattern,” Cetnar said. Once again, if it’s a pattern, that is not OK.
If it’s just an occasional happening, it probably isn’t a big deal, she said.
In some cases (but not all), it can be a narcissistic tendency.
Dry begging is often linked to narcissism, and while both experts said it certainly can be a tool narcissists use to get their needs met, not everyone who occasionally dry begs is a narcissist.
“With narcissism, there is a high level of entitlement. You may get a hint or a prompt, but you could get a lot more covert demands,” said Mills.
In the case of a narcissist and dry begging, they may explicitly try to elicit guilt in their partner when they dry beg or weaponize empathy to get their partner to do what they want, Mills explained.
“Narcissists are typically seen as manipulative. And so there can be an overlap,” Cetnar added. Narcissists are often needy, too, she said, and dry begging is definitively needy behavior.
“I’m just going to continue to passively say something or ask for something in the hopes that people will just give me what I want,” Cetnar added.
Akio Maeshima via Getty Images
It can lead to resentment.
Someone who engages in dry begging by saying things like, “Oh, it must be nice to have a husband who cooks” or “I guess I’ll just hang up these pictures alone” instead of directly asking for what they want may grow resentful of their partner when they don’t get the hints.
“Because they thinking that they’re asking for something, but they’re not,” said Cetnar.
“They’re not being very clear about it,” she added. Your partner may not understand that you’re asking for help with something or may even choose to ignore your passive statements.
People likely do this because they don’t know how to ask for what they want.
It can be uncomfortable to flat-out tell someone you want them to prioritize time together or need them to help around the house more, which can make dry begging a more comfortable way of dealing with the ask.
People who tend to dry beg may be doing it out of a place of insecurity, said Mills. They may not want to get their feelings hurt if they hear a “no” to their request or may even worry that they’re asking for too much.
For some people, this is, once again, a learned behavior.
“It’s common that people are not really taught how to ask for things in a way that’s really clear and direct,” said Cetnar. “Sometimes they resort to dry begging because it feels like it’s a hint and they’d rather it be a hint that gets rejected than a clear ask to be rejected,” she noted.
In the end, dry begging comes from a place of needs needing to be met, Cetnar said, and is likely common in those who have trouble expressing their needs and vulnerabilities.
“This could be coming from a certain person who grew up in an environment in which maybe it was a bit uncomfortable to ask for things,” she noted.
Here’s how to deal with dry begging:
The first step to dealing with dry begging, whether it’s you doing it or your partner, is awareness. You can’t fix a behavior if you don’t know it exists.
If you dry beg your partner, ask yourself how you can start implementing direct communication, said Mills, and consider what needs of yours aren’t being met before you make a passive comment.
If you feel lonely, consider how to ask your partner to spend more time with you instead of hinting at it, Mills noted.
You can even tell your partner you’re working on this so they know to expect more direct communication and direct asks from you, Mills said.
“That way, they can practice and they can have feedback and feel supported in trying to make a positive change,” she said.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is dry begging, start to notice it and acknowledge when someone is making a request by saying something like “Is this a request? It sounds like you are asking for something here,” Cetnar said.
This can open up the conversation and encourage your partner to explicitly state their needs so there is no guesswork or resentment.
If your partner isn’t willing to change and continues to manipulate you, it’s worth considering if the relationship is worth it. But, for someone who does this as a learned behavior or because of difficulty expressing emotions, there is hope for change.