My biological father never reconciled with our family. I’ve come to understand how his abandonment left my mother and me with a stress that lingered even as our lives stabilized. I know now that her rage was never really meant for me, and my resentment wasn’t meant for her. Emma helped me see the best and worst parts of my daughter-self and find my way back to my mother, who thankfully was there waiting, steady and safe.
It’s ironic to have survived a shared trauma and thrived precisely because of one another’s support, only to get stuck in the minutiae of peevish habits. But it’s easy to miss the big picture and fixate on the imperfections of those who love us most, especially when a family history includes heartache and grief. For me, letting go of the past meant forgiving the small stuff to reveal how much goodness was there all along.
Some family relationships are too intolerable to sustain. Others, like mine, can be repaired through self-examination, persistence and counseling, according to sociologist Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., who researched family rifts for five years through the Cornell Family Reconciliation Project. The pioneering study concluded that most people eventually feel better after reconciling a family rift, even when the relationship remains imperfect. In his 2020 book “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them,” Pillemer writes that when family members were able to reconcile a rift, “a weight dropped from their shoulders, and they were free from guilt and obsessive thinking” about the relationship.
If you recognize parts of yourself in my Emma era, or see glimpses of Emma in your own children, know that you aren’t alone. Parent-child relationships are lifelong works in progress, provided you are willing to evolve and accept each other’s shortcomings or make changes while you still have the chance. Focusing on the present and future of your family, and your role in it, may empower you to preserve one of the most authentic and precious connections and legacies of your life.
Jodie Sadowsky is a Connecticut writer focused on her life’s most defining roles: daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, reader, writer. Her essays center on relationships, wellness and creativity, and her stories for children celebrate family, tradition and wordplay. Jodie is co-writing a memoir about her family’s resilience following her father’s disappearance. You can read more at www.jodiesadowsky.com, and connect with Jodie on Twitter and Instagram @LoveThemMadly.
This piece was previously published on HuffPost and is being shared again as part of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series.