Are you “masking” when you’re at a bar with your coworkers? Or how about at a family reunion with your distant relatives?
Masking refers to hiding or suppressing certain thoughts, feelings or behaviors to fit into different situations, according to Tiffany Hodges, a licensed clinical psychologist and chief science officer of ABA Centers. Oftentimes, this happens with individuals who are on the autism spectrum or who are neurodivergent, but truly, anyone can mask in social settings.
“Sometimes this comes from wanting to fit in, to not be judged by others, or because a past experience didn’t go well,” Hodges said. “The usual goal of masking is acceptance, but it can be difficult to tell if someone is masking since the whole goal is to ‘appear normal.’”
For example, individuals who want to look “normal” and camouflage behaviors like not making eye contact or hyperfixating on certain topics in a conversation. “A person might hide those behaviors and use a behavior more consistent with traditional social norms,” Hodges said.
“Many people mask without even realizing it, and this often starts in childhood, when kids learn to follow ‘social rules’ like making eye contact or sitting still, even if it feels uncomfortable,” said Alisha Simpson-Watt, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Collaborative ABA Services, LLC. “Over time, masking becomes such a habit that it just feels like ‘the way things are.’”
Ahead, we spoke with clinical psychologists and mental health professionals about the signs you might be masking without even knowing and what you can do about it if it becomes bothersome or impacts your quality of life.
Signs You’re Masking Around Others
You feel like you’re always performing in social situations.
People who mask often feel like they are putting on a show every time they are around people they don’t know intimately or with whom they are not comfortable.
“They feel like interacting is performing because they have to act as the person that they’re supposed to be rather than the person who they actually are,” said Karim J. Torres Sanchez, a licensed clinical psychologist with LBee Health.
For example, you might find yourself putting up a front while you’re making small talk with a barista or a grocery store cashier. Perhaps you find yourself actively forcing yourself to make eye contact because that’s what you’re “supposed to do,” or even saying you like a TV show even if you’ve never watched it, just for conversation’s sake.
You mimic other people’s body language.
If you notice yourself mimicking other people’s body language during social interactions, then it’s possible that you might be masking.
“Watching others and changing your tone and volume to match theirs … and mirroring others’ facial expressions when it doesn’t come naturally are some quite common among individuals who are masking,” Hodges said.
You hold back stimming behaviors.
Stimming refers to a set of actions that people engage in as a coping mechanism when feeling anxious, sad, excited, or other emotions. Some common types of stims include hand flapping, tapping or rocking.
“If you find yourself holding back stimming behaviors (like rocking, tapping, or fidgeting) even when it’s uncomfortable, then you might be masking without realizing,” Simpson-Watt said.
You rehearse conversations before they happen.
For many people, conversations and small talk tend to come naturally. However, for those who mask, this may take more preparation and effort.
″Adults who mask often prepare and rehearse conversations and social interactions ahead of time rather than saying what comes naturally to them,” said Julie Landry, a board-certified clinical psychologist and co-founder of NeuroSpark Health.
This may look like practicing conversation starters ahead of your Friday happy hour, or preparing a script to make a doctor’s appointment.
You find it difficult to relax, even when you’re alone.
Masking all of the time can really deplete you ― even after the interaction is over.
“Masking, whether conscious or unconscious, requires a lot of energy,” said Rae Lacanlale, an associate marriage and family therapist at Clear Behavioral Health. “Think about it: a person with differences in socializing might be monitoring their body movements, eye contact, volume, facial expressions, the responses of others, as well as determining appropriate reactions to others, and more throughout a conversation.”
You have meltdowns after social interactions.
People who mask and cannot be themselves in public may be prone to private “meltdowns” because they struggle to process overstimulation in real-time.
“These individuals hide their feelings internally and do not express their needs when in a public setting, but when they get to their car or their home, can become overwhelmed with emotion, frustration, crying and anxiety due to not processing through the nervous system response at the time,” Sanchez said.
What Are The Long-Term Consequences Of Masking?
Masking can sometimes make social situations feel easier, provide a temporary sense of belonging and even help someone learn social skills in the short term. That said, it can cause more long-term problems down the road.
Masking “can lead to anxiety, depression and burnout from the constant effort of trying to seem ‘normal,’” Simpson-Watt said. “Long-term, masking can delay an autism diagnosis, lower self-esteem and create a deep sense of exhaustion or other mental health challenges.”
Additionally, frequent masking can often lead to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and isolation, according to Lacanlale.
“When masking is rewarded by social inclusion, job offers, promotions and warmth from society, it can send a strong message to a person’s psyche that who they are at their core is unacceptable, bad or defective,” Lacanlale said.
So, should you stop masking? That’s not a simple answer. Experts say that, in a way, it’s normal, and we all do it to some extent.
“Masking is something we all do in some way or another, but a concern may arise if someone is so proficient at masking that they do not have the need to practice (or learn) the skill for which their masking is compensating,” said Sara Douglas, a licensed psychologist and nationally certified school psychologist. “If at some point, that deficient skill becomes necessary, the individual will not have had the opportunity to practice it because their masking has been so effective.”
At the end of the day, according to Sanchez, your authentic self is the best version of you. Anyone who doesn’t want to be with you doesn’t deserve your time or energy.