If you enjoy the column below, please subscribe to my newsletter! You’ll get each new issue in your inbox for free. I love having new email friends. Let’s open your letters!
Last summer, my family held an intervention for me about my relationship. Long story short, they aren’t a fan of my boyfriend and don’t like how he treats me. I politely told everyone to let me navigate my relationship on my own.
Fast forward a few months, and in a moment of heated anger, I told my boyfriend that my family doesn’t like him and let it spill about the intervention. Turns out the feeling is mutual that he doesn’t like my family, and he claims they walk all over me. He hates that I travel to see my family. I only see them a few times a year.
How do I make both sides of this relationship work? I’m starting to feel stretched thin, like I can’t make both sides happy.
Dear Caught In The Middle,
I don’t have enough information to decisively state who is right and who is wrong here. But there are three data points in your letter that I’m focused on:
1.
You’ve got lots of eyes looking at this, and they’re all seeing a guy mistreat you. That’s worth paying attention to. Is it possible your family is experiencing some sort of collective delusion? Sure. But it’s more likely that they’re observing something at least a little bit real.
2.
Your boyfriend “hates” that you visit your family. I’m not saying he’s an abuser, but ostracizing someone from their loved ones happens to be a textbook abuser tactic. Even if he does not like your family he should affirm your right to see them as often as you want.
3.
I think your letter ends with the wrong question. You’re asking how to make your boyfriend happy and your family happy. But let’s set aside the goal of pleasing others right now. What would make you happy?
Peace is a good goal, but it’s an eventual one. You need to unpack the source of this conflict first. Consider enlisting a therapist to help you do that — an outside perspective can be clarifying. Good luck.
Please pardon the sharp right turn with this next question…
Is it childish to get a Frappuccino and a cake pop from Starbucks?
Last week, I was driving my friend somewhere and she asked if we could stop by Starbucks. I don’t usually go to Starbucks but she offered to pay and I wanted coffee. We get to the drive-thru and I order a Frappuccino and a cake pop. For the entire time we’re in the line to the window, my friend has this weird pinched look on her face.
After we pull out, she says, “Isn’t that a kid’s order? I’ve never met an adult who orders a Frappuccino, let alone one with a cake pop…” Now, this hurt my feelings. But I am a very non-confrontational person, so I just said, “Oh,” and moved on. Now, a week later, she’s brought it up (as a mean joke) nearly every day since.
Dear Cake Pop Demon Hunter,
Benefit of the doubt: Your friend is making what she thinks is a harmless joke and does not realize that it’s hurting you.
Of course, not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Some people are, in the wise words of NeNe Leakes, so nasty and so rude. But this person is your friend, and I’d hope you are not friends with someone terrible. Also, you haven’t told her how these jokes make you feel, so we can forgive the fact that she doesn’t know.
Next time she makes a joke about this, just tell her the truth: “Hey, the teasing about my Starbucks order is actually hurtful to me. Can you please cut it out?” I suspect it might be that simple.
And to answer your first question about whether it’s childish for an adult to order a cake pop: No! Getting to buy yourself treats is the one good thing about adulthood. The rest is just paying taxes and being put on hold by your insurance company. Enjoy your treats.
4.
Sharks, I am seeking $100,000 for my latest invention: A cake pop that is strictly for the 18-plus crowd.
Guaranteed to take the edge off.
My ex gave me a 3D-printed cat figurine when we were dating. I am now in a new relationship and would like to get rid of my ex’s old gift. Would it be wrong of me to give it to my new boyfriend? He is very much into 3D printing and regularly prints lots of cool stuff. Or should I keep it in my drawer and continue to let it collect dust?
Would it be wrong to give it to him? Nah. A little weird? Sure. But weird is fun! Relationships are built on shared weirdnesses. If you’re not bothered by your boyfriend having this trinket and he’s not bothered by its origin story, then you’re the same type of weird and that’s beautiful.
Just make sure you’re upfront about the origin story, though. Deceiving him about where it came from would, of course, be wrong.
Don’t cry because this advice column is over, smile because it happened. But before you go, please subscribe to my newsletter! You’ll get each weekly issue right in your email for free. Give your inbox a little weekly treat.
And if you’ve got a problem you’d like me to solve, send it in via my anonymous form. I am no licensed professional, but hey, I am free. See you next time!