Funflation. Slow shopping. Loud budgeting. We live in an age where there’s a quippy term for seemingly every personal finance habit and trend.
While many of these phenomena affect us individually, others have a strong impact on the other people in our lives. An example of this is a rather insidious practice known as “stealth shopping.”
To help stave off its negative effects, we asked a personal finance expert and a clinical psychologist to break down “stealth shopping” and share their advice for keeping it at bay.
What is stealth shopping?
“If you’ve ever bought items secretly and hid the purchase or lied about the cost of a purchase, then you’ve ‘stealth shopped,’ and it’s more common than people might guess,” Molly Burrets, a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California, told HuffPost.
Basically, stealth shopping is the act of concealing something you’ve bought from your significant other. This is different, of course, from buying gifts as a surprise or just purchasing items on your own and having autonomy over your bank account. Rather, it’s intentional secrecy around bigger or recurrent purchases that affect your household.
“Stealth shopping often happens to avoid conflict about spending habits, or to spend without being judged by your partner,” Burrets explained. “That judgment might be about the amount of money spent, the contents of what is purchased, or the frequency of purchases.”
She noted that some people shop to relieve stress or get a dopamine boost, which can feel gratifying.
“But when this coping strategy is overused, it can become a part of an addictive pattern, where someone hides their shopping due to shame or denial,” Burrets added.
There are other serious implications to stealth shopping.
“While some people may joke about hiding purchases from their partners, the reality is that being secretive about money is never healthy for a relationship and can lead to more serious issues down the road from both a financial and romantic standpoint,” said consumer finance and budgeting expert Andrea Woroch. “Stealth shopping may seem harmless in the moment, but it can be a sign of a bigger financial problem like compulsive shopping.”
If you’re concerned about your partner seeing your purchases, that might be because you’re overspending, which can lead to debt and derail your financial goals. Stealth shopping can also be a form of financial infidelity.
“Most forms of dishonesty or deceit in a relationship are harmful, and stealth shopping can signal an underlying problem with communication, trust, or financial accountability,” Burrets said.
How can you overcome stealth shopping?
“Speak openly with your partner about your finances to figure out how you can align your goals and budget,” Woroch said. “People enjoy different things, so how you spend or what you buy shouldn’t be the issue as long as you are following a budget and reaching your savings goals, or other goals like paying down debt.”
She advised building “fun money” into your budget ― an amount you and your partner can spend each month on whatever you want without judgment. The idea is to feel free to spend this set amount as you please without worrying about what your significant other might think or say.
“I recommend that couples who share finances agree on a spending limit for purchases outside of what’s budgeted,” Burrets said. “This offers each partner a degree of financial freedom that is healthy. And for purchases larger than the agreed-upon amount, make it a rule to discuss those purchases together.”
She also recommended that couples who share finances have full access to all accounts to review transactions and keep things transparent.
“There are also many apps that promote visibility and accountability by making it easier to track spending,” Burrets said.
“Being secretive about money is never healthy for a relationship.”
– Andrea Woroch, consumer finance and budgeting expert
Be open and transparent about any financial issues that arise ― whether internal or external.
“If shopping is used as a coping mechanism and you find yourself overspending, confide in your partner and ask for help and accountability,” Burrets urged. “Sharing vulnerable and difficult feelings is the antidote to shame, and results in increased intimacy in healthy relationships. Together or on your own, speaking with a professional can help address underlying emotional needs that are being met by unwise spending.”
Working through these issues can help you identify spending triggers that lead to impulse purchases and do what you need to avoid compulsive shopping.
“Leave credit cards at home and only shop with your budgeted amount in cash so you can’t spend any more than you bring with you to the store,” Woroch advised. “You can still earn rewards, though, by using a free rewards app like Fetch that gives you cash back when you upload pictures of your receipts, regardless of your payment method.”
It’s important to note that stealth shopping might indicate an even more serious issue than a compulsion to overspend.
“Some people stealth shop because of a toxic degree of control in the relationship, where they don’t have the freedom or agency to spend money, even wisely or within healthy limits, as they wish,” Burrets said.
If you’re stealth shopping simply to hide normal purchases from an overly controlling partner, you should take a different approach. Rather than curbing your nonexistent overspending, seek help from a trusted loved one.
“These strategies are helpful only in healthy relationships where one or both people actually have damaging or problematic spending habits,” Burrets emphasized. “Using money as a means to control your partner, either by restricting their access to money or not permitting any degree of financial privacy, is toxic and potentially abusive.”
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